Day 771: Bah!

Just… not having it today. Slow morning; hard to wake up, hard to get going. Mediocre exercise (despite tiny motivational statements).

I suspect that I’m freaking myself out over this essay for the LLM application, which is… fair, I guess. There’s a lot of ego tied up in this, and I’m surprised at how uncomfortable it makes me feel. It’s natural; I’m stretching myself (and stretching is good), but the ol’ impostor syndrome is kicking in at 150%.

“No way out but through,” as the short motivational phrase goes! I need to crack away at it til it’s done, and I don’t think I should be pressuring myself to produce the result of a future three years of LLM work as an introductory writing sample. But I am. That’s my damn brain. Dang it, brain!

Day 770: Sunday and Essays

Today’s the day! I need to buckle down and crack away at 3,000 words of writing for my LLM application. I’m quite nervous!

I’m not, like, a street tough that they’ve shaved and put a tie on, but I’m not exactly super formally educated. I have a three-year BAA from Ryerson, at the time barely a university itself. And that’s it. I’ve got a couple of sort of small credentials but compared to everyone around me at work, for the most part, I’m crazy undereducated. I have people with doctorates applying to work underneath me. It feels weird.

So there are a number of reasons for this, but I’d be straight up lying if a feeling like I need to prove myself isn’t in the package. It’d be nice to have an advanced degree and some letters to stick after my name when I’m applying for things and pitching things for conferences, etc. Especially since there’s so much crossover between my profession and the area I want to study in.

It’s really about my inferiority complex, though! That’s not going to go away because I have a degree, I know. But it’ll help.

Day 769: Sleep = The Best

Slept in BIG this morning, and will exercise later today. Oh man, I needed that! Work’s always bonkers but it’s been even a bit more lately; I’m working on applying for the LLM which is uncharted and terrifying mental territory, and while I’ve substantially cut back on volunteer commitments they’re creepin’ back in again.

I needed sleep! So extra sleep today. Off to do radio, then… more sleep, maybe? I sure do love sleep.

Day 768: HIIIIIIIIT!

I slept fine but still woke up exhausted, so after cats/lunch packing grabbed 30 minutes of not-actually-sleep and then decided to pack as much living as I could into a 10-minute row.

I packed a lot of living into a 10-minute row!

I didn’t barf, which is sensational, but man, I guess I’ve been… not slacking on exercise but definitely not bringing the hammer down, because I forgot how alive going full out makes you feel. Endorphins, baby!

I am literally anxious for spring so I can start running again. I really miss it.

Day 767: Flowing to the Door

A quick update on this, largely unchanged, technique that continues to be really useful to me: “flow to the door.” Being a cat owner messes it up slightly, as I have to go downstairs at 5 a.m. to feed the cats or they riot, and since one of the cats is on a special diet, I have to keep an eye on them — so that’s when I make lunch.

Then, though, everything starts from the top of the house, with clothes for the day, then exercise, shower/shave, get dressed, do this and other correspondence/hobby computer things, then downstairs, coffee, cat litter… and out the door.

The idea is never go backwards, and I find (other than the cat/pack lunch thing) it’s actually pretty satisfying to do. By the time I’m making coffee, I feel like I’ve got a good head of steam behind me.

Late night at work tonight; one of the disadvantages of being a bit more senior is there’s no overtime, lieu hours, or ways to recognize overwork — the job is what it is and you do what you need to. So it goes.

Day 766: Nightmares! Nightmares!

I think it’s psychic chaff from some bad times last week, but last night was weird. Like I had a superlayer of brain saying let’s get David Lynchy and a sublayer of brain saying “sure, pal!” On one level, the nightmares weren’t that scary because I had some awareness that they were nightmares. On the other level, my brain is capable of some impressively weird crap to the point that I woke up at 2 a.m. more marvelling at what I could come up with than in a state of real fear.

Of course, this affected sleep, and yadda yadda, but I’m on track today and feeling pretty bad about the setback from taking a few days off over the weekend. I was kind of hoping for a quick snap back, but no such luck. Setbacks are real, now — long gone the days of my 20s when I could indulge and count on my metabolism to push me back onto firm footing. It’s going to take just as long to get back where I was as it did before: four days of time off and two weeks of progress lost means two weeks to get it back — not four days.

The math seems profoundly unfair, but it is what it is. I think the nightmares are me burning off the residue bad vibes from the pre-slump issues, and that’s a good thing — I feel like I’m back on track, not just deviating from a slump. Purging the negative energy, as goofily hippy as that sounds, is a good thing.

Day 765: Pooh and Progress

Re-reading the Tao of Pooh recently, and my wife quite accurately dubbing me a Bizzy Backson has made me realize that maybe I need to wind things down a little.

So, of course, I’m applying to pursue a Master’s degree. In law.

Am I nuts? Probably? I don’t know. My lack of formal education is something that’s bothered me for a while, and frankly, seems to be a bit of a career impediment at this point — I’ve reached a level, professionally, where people are expecting MAs and doctorates and I’ve got a three-year BA. I wish this sort of thing didn’t matter, but it does.

More pertinent, though, is the fact that I really actually am interested in the subject. Well, subjects, really: law contains multitudes, and there are a bunch of things I could really do a deep dive into, if I had… I don’t know, permission to do so. This is kind of a way to give myself the bandwidth to nerd out about law and feel like I’m doing something productive out of it.

Application’s in, and I need to write a lot over the next week or so. Wish me luck.

Day 764: Three days, two weeks.

Three days off! THREE DAYS! And I’m back to where I was two weeks ago. It’s astounding how fast backsliding goes.

Lesson learned, and unlike previous breaks, my determination is pretty solid to get back on that horse and make that ground back up again. My food is prepped for the day, my water jug is full, I’ve done some exercise. Let’s get back there and beyond!

The trend for January was great. Not replicable as it was based on a lot of early “easy” weight, but I can totally do that again. April is still viable, I just need to not take these breaks, and not listen to the little voice that enables them.

A little time reflecting on goals this morning will help too; I’m going to pull that Perfect Me sheet and take another look at it, and at some of those little phrases that help get me geared up.

Day 763: Superbowl, I guess?

The Superbowl surprises me every year. I’m not a sports guy. I just forget about it. But I do have sympathies of my sober fellow travellers on this day in particular, even more so than some holidays, as this is a key “buddy drinking” day in the sportosphere, and it must be hard as heck to “do” the Superbowl while staying booze-free.